Should You Become A Phone Sex FemDom?

Recently, I was speaking with Laura, a friend and FemDom who has written and sold erotica, who was thinking of making more money by becoming a phone sex operator.

While Laura enjoys being a Domme, you might think it was an easy, natural, choice. And as there’s a lot of money to be made in FemDom phone sex, financial domination, and other FemDom games, you might think it was a slam-dunk for her to become a FemDom PSO. But Laura decided against phone sex work.
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Since I firmly believe that being a phone sex operator (or any form of sex work) isn’t for everyone, I thought Laura’s story might be helpful to those considering phone sex work. I asked Laura if she’d be willing to share her story and thoughts, and she graciously agreed.

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Laura, when we spoke about you possibly becoming a PSO, you spoke about how you felt it wouldn’t work with your dominant nature… Will you explain more about that?

For a woman Dom it is too easy to fall into the trap of trying to please him rather than sticking to being the one who is to be obeyed, the one who is to be served and the one who is to be thought of first when it comes to being pleased. Most sex work, being paid for, is all about the client. I don’t see how any woman can really be a Dom in that situation. You serve your client, even if you are reading the script as the Dom, you are still doing it his way, for him. Men who pay for it get such a warped view of what a FemDom is.

I prefer writing adult content, fiction or non-fiction because I can do that on my own terms. I can wear whatever I want. I can have my sick and twisted sense of humour. I can maintain my nice girl next-door personality without feeling I have to justify it to anyone. In short, I can be who I am rather than fit myself into an image of a FemDom. I can be the Domme I really am when I really am the one in charge.

While there are professional Dommes who create the stories the way they wish and do not pander to clients, I can understand your personal feelings about it. And if it doesn’t feel right to you, you shouldn’t do it. Period. Even if there is money to be made in it. But would you clarify about the “men who pay for it get such a warped view” statement?

Men who pay for a FemDom expect to get a service. In reality a Domme is a person, not a service. A paid FemDom (I’m using the words FemDom and Domme to keep it clearer) wears the clothes her clients expect, or order/ ask for. A paid FemDom does the tasks as the client expects. A paid FemDom doesn’t tell him to shut up and get out of her face unless that is something in the script, agreed upon before the scene starts.

In short, men who pay for a FemDom are getting a fantasy, not a real woman. So, they expect a FemDom is a story they can live. The reality is not at all what they want when they are actually faced with it. Too many men who claim they want a real FemDom are surprised (even angry) when the Domme doesn’t follow all their rules and instead is a real person who has expectations of her own.

If you haven’t been a PSO or otherwise paid for such services, what do you base all this on?

Personal experience with men I have met online. Also, years of playing around online, being the FemDom they wanted in IRC channels, online chats, and so on. It wasn’t paying work but I was new and trying to understand what BDSM was, what it meant and who I was in the middle of all of this. It took me years to understand what a Domme is and how that suited me. The real me, not the me I was trying to be to suit the men I was meeting online. I had a lot of fun, gave a lot of performances to please them – and I did it well. But, that wasn’t what I wanted. It was putting on a show.

After awhile I felt I could have been anyone – even a blow up doll and it would not have mattered. They (the men) just needed something vaguely female to play the role they expected. There was nothing personal involved for me. I began to get bored. I’m not someone who gets bored easily, I can always find something interesting in whatever I’m doing. So, I knew something was wrong if I could be in the middle of turning a guy on and I wasn’t having fun, lost interest and wished he would hurry up and finish so I could do something I really wanted to be doing instead.

I wasn’t being paid for services, but I was giving them.

And you wouldn’t want to play the same games even when paid? In your opinion and experience, how is this different from writing and selling stories about dominant females that submissive males read/buy?

I found the games demeaning, like I was selling too much of myself. I understand some people can do this and not feel personally connected but I can’t. When I am with someone even online or over the phone I am giving all of myself. I don’t hold back. I am sincere, I put my heart into it all. So it feels hollow when the other side gives so little back. Being paid for it isn’t enough. Over time I would lose too much of whatever pride and sense of self I have.

The stories are written however I want them. I admit, I have written some for the “market” rather than for myself. I don’t enjoy those stories as much. At times I have even let bitterness and real anger creep into them as I write them. The stories I write, the ones I love and never have second thoughts about sharing, are the stories where I have fun, stories where the Domme really is in charge and doing things her way. I like to write about a man who is involved in the story too, and really is a man, not a wimpy submissive man – the poor beleagered “do me” type. The best stories have a real interaction between a man and a woman where D/s is a part of the relationship, not an obsession or a role playing game.

Laura, ultimately why did you decide against becoming an independent PSO?

That’s such a loaded question for me. In a nutshell, it’s just not for me. I don’t like feeling used, I don’t like feeling I’m performing a service and I don’t like feeling cheap.

Now that’s going to make it sound like I think people who are phone sex operators are cheap. I don’t. It’s something that would make me feel cheap. Like I was selling myself short in some big way.

Thanks, Laura, for sharing.

Laura can be found at her site, Divorce Darling, as well as in her Boudoir at Sex Kitten (archives here).

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While anyone can argue that their personal and/or professional experiences with BDSM, with being a dominant female, etc. are very different than Laura’s, that’s nearly irrelevant. As is the BDSM subject matter. For what really matters here are Laura’s feelings. She wouldn’t feel good about herself doing this sort of work — as a FemDom or a vanilla female — so she should not do it.

If/when you are considering becoming a phone sex operator, you should really do some soul searching to see what your feelings are about these issues.

If you are a PSO, and you find yourself having these feelings about your work, about yourself, then you should examine and deal with those feelings. We all have bad days, rough days, at work; but in sex work, more than many other careers, burn-out is easy. We give a lot and so it can take a lot out of us. It’s important to know how we are feeling, and how to deal with those feelings, so that we are happy and healthy, not merely worried about being wealthy.

One thought on “Should You Become A Phone Sex FemDom?

  1. Pingback: I Before E, Except After BDSM: Lifestyle BDSM Vs Professional Domination | Sex~Kitten.net

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