Category Archives: Emotions

Phone Sex Is Sex Work – It’s In The News, & You Can Learn From It

If you’re following me on Twitter, you’ve likely seen my tweets about Margaret Cho’s recent championing of sex workers & their rights. Cho knows what she’s talking about. Before her comedy career took off, she, like Whoopi Goldberg, paid the bills working first as a phone sex operator. After her PSO work, Cho worked as a dominatrix. While Cho doesn’t elaborate on why she left phone sex, she does say why she gave up being a femdom:

“I was lazy,” she said. “I lacked empathy, and,” referencing the job’s requirement for administering floggings and other forms of corporal punishment that a client might request, “I had a bad arm.”

Well, the self-described laziness may be why she left phone sex… Or the bad arm? (Phones back then were heavier!) Whatever the case, I’m thrilled that Cho is putting a positive spotlight on the needs of sex workers.

But still, Cho’s story illustrates that even when you are open to sex work, you may not be well-suited for it. And even when you are good at one form of sex work, you may not be happy with another.

Which brings me to another news story…

Before Lea Grover became a “mommy blogger” (or even a mom), she helped put herself through college by working as a phone sex operator. While she seemed to enjoy the work, found it within her skill set, was challenged and even amused by it, loved the casual way she could work from home, felt shameless enough about it to confess her work to her parents, and even felt it was a safer alternative to other jobs, Grover eventually left the work because she found it depressing.

In the original article at Cosmo, Grover confesses:

But after a few months, I started to feel depressed each time I logged my phone onto the call network. I dreaded the phone ringing, and I went from eating healthy as I worked to binging on ice cream and cookies, pretending to find strangers’ masturbation fascinating.

It took a long time to figure out what was bothering me about my job, but after listening to some restaurant industry friends complain about their patrons, it struck me. Nobody, not a single caller, had ever said, “Thank you.”

And none of them had ever said, “Goodbye.”

They were so thoroughly wrapped up in their exhibitionism, in themselves, that I might as well have been a pre-recorded moaning device. And while I didn’t exactly expect callers to care about me as a human being, night after night filled with dozens of people hanging up on me mid-sentence as though I didn’t exist started to really hurt my self esteem and self confidence.

So I stopped doing phone sex and got a job working retail, like a “normal” college student.

In case you skimmed that — or missed the irony — let me point something out: Grover finally put a finger on just what was bothering her about her work as a PSO after hearing the complaints of others working in another service occupation, the restaurant industry. (And then she left for yet another service industry, retail, which I can tell you, isn’t any better.)

On any give day, any given shift, any person working in a restaurant (front of the house or the back) goes without the expressed thankful recognition of the work that they do for the people they serve. And if there’s no appreciation for those working in the noble profession of feeding someone — arguably some of the most nurturing work a person can do — how can you expect it to be any different in sex work where the “work” aspect is largely denied?

It is a sad fact that few people bother to acknowledge, let alone thank, those who serve them. If this pervasive cultural attitude offends or hurts you, you should not be working in any sector of the service industry, period. And this definitely includes phone sex and other forms of sex work, as sex workers are , sadly (stupidly!), largely disrespected the world over.

Since sex work is such a personal, intimate service, I can fully understand Grover’s depression over the lack of recognition of her as a person. Good for her for leaving! As my consultant clients can tell you, I’m aware of how taxing the specialized nurturing work of sex work can be and that I take great pains to address the potential personal and emotional impacts of this work upfront.

But even as I do not in any way blame or condemn Grover (or others) who feel this way about being a phone sex operator (or any form of sex work), I feel it’s important to point out a few things…

Honestly, in all my years of being a sex worker (from escorting to phone sex work), I can count the number of times I’ve endured a departure without a “Thank you,” on one hand. …OK, as it has been decades now, perhaps two hands. Even if it at times it sounds more obligatory than heart-felt, I’m used to being thanked for my services.

And the only times I’ve been hung up on while speaking on the phone was when a caller was shockingly interrupted by a coworker, family member, etc.. He may have hung up in a frightened hurry; but generally he’ll contact with apologies later, often with a tribute. (And if there’s no apology, I do not hesitate to block.)

Why do I believe my experiences have been better than Grover’s or others with similar stories?

It’s all about how you handle your business.

Grover’s use of “call network” indicates to me that Grover was not an independent phone sex operator, but rather was at the mercy of a phone sex company; she just took the calls sent to her. Whether or not this was true for Grover, there are things indie PSOs can do to avoid such terrible callers and clients.

Primarily, it’s all about how you position yourself in the market. Present yourself (via photos, descriptions, blog posts, tweets, rate, etc.) as an easy, quick, and cheap thrill — in cheap publications and at classless sites — and “easy, quick, and cheap” is all you’ll be to prospective callers and clients. They’ll treat you as such, with all the rudeness it implies.

However, if you present yourself as a quality service provider, placing your ads and performing your marketing in more pedigreed places, you’ll attract a higher quality clientele. Live up to those high standards and not only will clients thank you for it, but you’ll keep those classier clients. Phone sex is, after all, a luxury purchase; express how true that is for your individual services and you’ll avoid the many of the rude, bargain-basement, one-minute wankers. The few asshats you do run into won’t burn you out or upset you because you’ll be treated well overall.

(Oh, and avoid working traditional “after bar” hours, when cheap drunks call for quickies too.)

Of course, there are plenty of PSOs who happily bank on short, cheap calls. Rude or not, they take the money and run.

I’m not one of them. I’d rather spend two hours with one caller than try to corral and accommodate dozens of others in the same time-frame. But, hey, that’s me.

Fundamentally, it’s up to you to decide. First, whether or not this line of work is a good fit for you. And then, if you think it is, decide what you can tolerate, what you enjoy, and how to get the callers and business you want. If you need my help with that, I’m available for consultations; rates & info here.

Is this your first time here? You may wish to read this post and my Statement Of Purpose.

Links For PSOs

Remember when I mentioned that Talk Sugar was using Bitcoin? Well, at least one PSO is talking about her experience with using that payment option. The story begins here; with future details promised at the blog.

The following links are via Gracie’s Sex work Scoop:

How technology is actually changing sex work; primarily focused on escorts, but good info for PSOs to read as well.

A new study says porn stars are not “damaged goods”. It’s about freakin’ time. Can we all just agree now that any sex work is just a choice?

Related to the FemDomme post, this article on being a nude model ends with the line, “Real power means not having to please.” I personally still find being a professional domme a very powerful and liberating experience, despite the fact that the “professional” part means I do need to please customers. “Pleasing” is as relative a term as anything, but, along with the power of being paid, I find leading and even dictating to meet a person’s needs is not being used. But then, as a phone sex operator and consultant, I guess I would find peace with that. *wink*

Should You Become A Phone Sex FemDom?

Recently, I was speaking with Laura, a friend and FemDom who has written and sold erotica, who was thinking of making more money by becoming a phone sex operator.

While Laura enjoys being a Domme, you might think it was an easy, natural, choice. And as there’s a lot of money to be made in FemDom phone sex, financial domination, and other FemDom games, you might think it was a slam-dunk for her to become a FemDom PSO. But Laura decided against phone sex work.
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Since I firmly believe that being a phone sex operator (or any form of sex work) isn’t for everyone, I thought Laura’s story might be helpful to those considering phone sex work. I asked Laura if she’d be willing to share her story and thoughts, and she graciously agreed.

***

Laura, when we spoke about you possibly becoming a PSO, you spoke about how you felt it wouldn’t work with your dominant nature… Will you explain more about that?

For a woman Dom it is too easy to fall into the trap of trying to please him rather than sticking to being the one who is to be obeyed, the one who is to be served and the one who is to be thought of first when it comes to being pleased. Most sex work, being paid for, is all about the client. I don’t see how any woman can really be a Dom in that situation. You serve your client, even if you are reading the script as the Dom, you are still doing it his way, for him. Men who pay for it get such a warped view of what a FemDom is.

I prefer writing adult content, fiction or non-fiction because I can do that on my own terms. I can wear whatever I want. I can have my sick and twisted sense of humour. I can maintain my nice girl next-door personality without feeling I have to justify it to anyone. In short, I can be who I am rather than fit myself into an image of a FemDom. I can be the Domme I really am when I really am the one in charge.

While there are professional Dommes who create the stories the way they wish and do not pander to clients, I can understand your personal feelings about it. And if it doesn’t feel right to you, you shouldn’t do it. Period. Even if there is money to be made in it. But would you clarify about the “men who pay for it get such a warped view” statement?

Men who pay for a FemDom expect to get a service. In reality a Domme is a person, not a service. A paid FemDom (I’m using the words FemDom and Domme to keep it clearer) wears the clothes her clients expect, or order/ ask for. A paid FemDom does the tasks as the client expects. A paid FemDom doesn’t tell him to shut up and get out of her face unless that is something in the script, agreed upon before the scene starts.

In short, men who pay for a FemDom are getting a fantasy, not a real woman. So, they expect a FemDom is a story they can live. The reality is not at all what they want when they are actually faced with it. Too many men who claim they want a real FemDom are surprised (even angry) when the Domme doesn’t follow all their rules and instead is a real person who has expectations of her own.

If you haven’t been a PSO or otherwise paid for such services, what do you base all this on?

Personal experience with men I have met online. Also, years of playing around online, being the FemDom they wanted in IRC channels, online chats, and so on. It wasn’t paying work but I was new and trying to understand what BDSM was, what it meant and who I was in the middle of all of this. It took me years to understand what a Domme is and how that suited me. The real me, not the me I was trying to be to suit the men I was meeting online. I had a lot of fun, gave a lot of performances to please them – and I did it well. But, that wasn’t what I wanted. It was putting on a show.

After awhile I felt I could have been anyone – even a blow up doll and it would not have mattered. They (the men) just needed something vaguely female to play the role they expected. There was nothing personal involved for me. I began to get bored. I’m not someone who gets bored easily, I can always find something interesting in whatever I’m doing. So, I knew something was wrong if I could be in the middle of turning a guy on and I wasn’t having fun, lost interest and wished he would hurry up and finish so I could do something I really wanted to be doing instead.

I wasn’t being paid for services, but I was giving them.

And you wouldn’t want to play the same games even when paid? In your opinion and experience, how is this different from writing and selling stories about dominant females that submissive males read/buy?

I found the games demeaning, like I was selling too much of myself. I understand some people can do this and not feel personally connected but I can’t. When I am with someone even online or over the phone I am giving all of myself. I don’t hold back. I am sincere, I put my heart into it all. So it feels hollow when the other side gives so little back. Being paid for it isn’t enough. Over time I would lose too much of whatever pride and sense of self I have.

The stories are written however I want them. I admit, I have written some for the “market” rather than for myself. I don’t enjoy those stories as much. At times I have even let bitterness and real anger creep into them as I write them. The stories I write, the ones I love and never have second thoughts about sharing, are the stories where I have fun, stories where the Domme really is in charge and doing things her way. I like to write about a man who is involved in the story too, and really is a man, not a wimpy submissive man – the poor beleagered “do me” type. The best stories have a real interaction between a man and a woman where D/s is a part of the relationship, not an obsession or a role playing game.

Laura, ultimately why did you decide against becoming an independent PSO?

That’s such a loaded question for me. In a nutshell, it’s just not for me. I don’t like feeling used, I don’t like feeling I’m performing a service and I don’t like feeling cheap.

Now that’s going to make it sound like I think people who are phone sex operators are cheap. I don’t. It’s something that would make me feel cheap. Like I was selling myself short in some big way.

Thanks, Laura, for sharing.

Laura can be found at her site, Divorce Darling, as well as in her Boudoir at Sex Kitten (archives here).

***

While anyone can argue that their personal and/or professional experiences with BDSM, with being a dominant female, etc. are very different than Laura’s, that’s nearly irrelevant. As is the BDSM subject matter. For what really matters here are Laura’s feelings. She wouldn’t feel good about herself doing this sort of work — as a FemDom or a vanilla female — so she should not do it.

If/when you are considering becoming a phone sex operator, you should really do some soul searching to see what your feelings are about these issues.

If you are a PSO, and you find yourself having these feelings about your work, about yourself, then you should examine and deal with those feelings. We all have bad days, rough days, at work; but in sex work, more than many other careers, burn-out is easy. We give a lot and so it can take a lot out of us. It’s important to know how we are feeling, and how to deal with those feelings, so that we are happy and healthy, not merely worried about being wealthy.

Phone Sex Link Round-Up

If you have a blog or website, (If you don’t, why the hell not?!), you ought to know this legal consideration: Online Businesses Shouldn’t Rely on ‘Browsewraps’.

In particular, relying on a mere “browsewrap” agreement – rather than a clickwrap one – is begging for a court to invalidate those terms. Similarly, terms that provide the unilateral right to amend key portions of the terms of use may be unenforceable.

Velved aka Scarlett Stone‘s Phone Sex For Dummies may be helpful for PSOs and callers alike.

You know how I tell you that as a PSO you may find yourself in the role of counselor or therapist; here’s more on that.

PSO Cameryn Moore turns her personal stories into theater performances.

Why Aren’t There Any Good Phone Sex Review Sites?

“Cue-Baller” writes in, asking why there aren’t many good phone sex review sites:

They are clearly either directories, presumably just spots people paid for because they read like advertisements, or are sites run by a phone sex company or a few girls who chipped-in on a site to promote themselves. I get so tired of going through page after page of unhelpful search results. Why can’t I find a good phone sex review site? Can you recommend any?

“Cue-Baller” raises a good question, no matter how simple the answer may be.

While I obviously cannot state that absolutely no good PSO review sites exist, the problems of a review site are twofold:

The first is one of money and logistics: There’s no way to sample the services for free — and ascertain that the girl you are talking with is the girl behind the listing or PSO phone number. Which means any reviewer would need to spend his own money to use the service. Why would he then spend more time and money to share his thoughts with others? At best, the reviewer would be covering his favorite niches, fetishes, fantasy types, etc. based on his own budget.

This is why most phone sex sites offer customers the option of reviewing via ratings and feedback; these are mini-reviews.

Which brings us to the second point: Many phone sex callers do not like to leave feedback or reviews. Sometimes, it’s because they fear they will be recognized (real life identity or user ID tracked by other PSOs). But quite often the truth is that when a guy really digs his PSO, he doesn’t want to share her. He wants her available for himself, perhaps even a bit dependent upon him… She’s his secret — his dirty little secret that’s his, all his!

Sure, it may be a bit selfish… But he’s afraid a glowing review (or a dozen) will mean his favorite phone sex operator will become too busy to readily accommodate him when he fancies some time with her.

Unlike leaving a review for a movie or other mass market product, a PSO’s time is finite. It’s a service. Even if a DVD is temporarily sold out, there’s more on the way, a secondary marketplace to search, or even a replacement product available. However, since professional phone sex with an independent PSO is such a unique, custom experience — and a service, not a product — “too popular” can actually be a problem. Or at least be a fear.

While the process of reviewing is common enough in the world of escorting, it’s just not as necessary in terms of phone sex work. In escorting, the primary customer focus is one of trust: How well does the girl match her photo? Was she clean? Did she actually provide the agreed upon services? And, since truly independent escorts don’t have any platform companies or agencies to contact in terms of contacting regarding dissatisfied services, and these are quite often cash transactions for which there is no credit card company to assist, those looking for professional companionship (called “hobbiests” or “punters”) often rely on the reviews of others. But this sort of information or these concerns are just not as vital in terms of phone sex entertainment services.

While many PSOs, myself included, would love for there to be an honest review site, so far, it’s just hasn’t been something phone sex callers themselves have invested in.  …How about it, “Cue-Baller,” care to start one? I can get you a list of great ladies to try. *wink*

"My Wife Doesn’t Understand Me" & The Other Little White Lies Of Phone Sex

Phone sex is based in fantasy. Even those calls which seem more like therapeutic counseling or friendly chit-chat sessions occur because the caller believes in the fantasy of the girl on the other end of the line. This is not to say that you, the PSO, are not truly a sexy (understanding, dominating, garter-belt-and-stocking-not-sweat-pant-wearing etc.) person — but the persona you cultivate and market is what callers are initially responding to and believe in enough to continue to pay for your services. You are The Fantasy Girl. At all times. Forget that at your own peril.

But callers also create their own phone sex characters or personalities.

Some do it to envelope themselves in the full fantasy. On the phone, and in other interactions with you, they are taller/smaller, richer/poorer, have more hair, a smaller or larger tool; it’s endless.

In some cases, they are escaping unpleasant realities, from wheelchairs and job losses to recent bitter break-ups. In others, they seek professional phone sex services to fully insert themselves into the role play — developing characters that they put on, like costumes. No longer satisfied with stories about swash-bucking pirates taking maids, they want to be in the story. (To participate as pirate or maid, who knows? *wink*)

No matter what his reason, the professional phone sex operator just goes along with whoever, whatever, the caller says he is.

Oh, the number of girls I’ve seen lose phone sex income because they waste their time trying to figure out what’s true or not about a caller! What a waste of time. What lost opportunities. As a phone sex professional, what your callers say is true to you as long as a call lasts. And it’s true too for every future call — until you are told differently.

But of course you can’t believe everything they say.

His wife isn’t necessarily a bitch. Or ill. Or dead. Or whatever he says. Hell, he may not ever have been married. Maybe it’s just easier for him to play the role of a married man on the phone. Maybe he feels it further masks his identity. Maybe his fantasy taboo is enhanced by the naughty idea of cheating or being caught. Maybe he thinks you’ll be less judgmental of a man who “can’t get it that way at home” than you would be of a man who’s too uncomfortable to tell his lover what gets him off. Maybe he pretends to be married simply because he feels that would make him more sympathetic. Who knows? He says he’s married; he’s married. Just work with it.

The are only two times the caller’s fantasy persona or little white lies matter:

* One, during those therapeutic calls when such details help you, the PSO, to understand the client’s situation or needs.

* Two, when the caller’s fantasy persona get in the way of him actually feeling understood and accepted.

In either case, the onus is on the caller to be honest — or continue to suffer from less than satisfying services.

As a phone sex operator, your job is to be as emotionally accessible and understanding as you can to encourage your client to open up. But it really is up to him to give you the information you need to meet his needs.

Callers, at this point I must address you specifically. 

If you feel that your phone sex fantasy-self is getting in the way, if you feel the persona you project is actually prohibiting the PSO from pushing your hot buttons, go ahead and change or add to your story. She won’t think less of you for it; you don’t have any obligation to keep a PSOs’ fantasy going. There’s no need for you, the client, to create another member account or name either. Just share new information, switch things up, tell her the truth, change characters.

For those of you who want to continue the fantasy calls with your fantasy PSO and have more “real talk” or counseling type calls with her too, just let your favorite phone sex operator know that. There’s no need to have one PSO for fantasy calls and another for other calls. In fact, I advise against it. Letting her get to know you better, sharing your multiple interests and facets, just makes for better calls period.

Isolation In Phone Sex Work

Working in the adult industry, especially when you are an independent, can be very isolating. It’s not merely an isolating experience — it’s an isolated life. For the most part, the culture we live in doesn’t accept sex work. The families we were born to, raised in, marry into or otherwise join, even our circle of friends all have reasons why we ought not subject them to our choice of occupation. This creates the necessity for sex workers to lead double lives.

But often, it’s our own choices in these careers we’ve chosen which impact our isolation as well; we are not a trusting lot, even with our own peers. (A huge part of the reason I began this site.)

Living too long without people who can listen, commiserate, really comprehend what your day is like, often leads to not feeling understood, not feeling appreciated, not being accepted. This leads to depression, resentment, and withdrawing even more from what should be circles of support.

I’m sure many of you are acutely aware of this feeling of isolation in your own lives. But some of you may not know it yet… You just keep on suffering from burn-out more and more often, chalking it up to the demands of the job. While sex work is far more demanding than most people realize, it’s not the only factor in burn-out. In fact, it’s only half of the equation. The other half is a good support system.

But, given the complexities of what we do and the current cultural position on sex work, what’s a PSO or other sex worker to do to end her isolation?

I’m so glad you asked, because I’ve got an article on just that over at Geisha Diaries. *wink*

In Isolation in Sex Work, I not only discuss the phenomenon, but offer you resources as well. Come on over and add your thoughts, concerns, and suggestions.

Thoughts On Your Work Day As A PSO

I’m still not used to this consulting thing. I’m proficient at the actual consulting, sharing what I know, helping people find what they need, connecting them to the right people, etc.; but I’m still not used to juggling helping so many people at such different levels of experience all at the same time — and maintaining a blog here. My intentions to get to one subject or another, to do a series of posts on a specific subject, etc., become sidetracked based on questions I’m fielding from clients. Like yesterday’s post on taxes, which was supposed to be a year-end issue. Instead, a few clients had posed the question, in one form or another, and I found writing one post for all to read was a more efficient use of time.

I’m not complaining; a consultant should be so lucky as to have many paying clients (along with her phone sex clients). Nor is this anything new to me. It’s just a variation on the usual workday of a PSO, and so I thought now would be a great time to address another fundamental rule of this job: Your work day is not necessarily the day you had planned.

Even when you have a scheduled appointment — and the client keeps that appointment, you may find the call you have is not the call you planned for. For example, a client who specified a BDSM fantasy call, may have, err “released” his interest in that subject prior to your call, and so the erotic story you had worked out in your head must now sit on the side while you now find yourself in the role of companion-counselor, discussing pragmatic matters regarding the BDSM lifestyle. Or perhaps the 30 minute call you had planned to do turned into a 90 minute call — hooray, more money! But now that hour you had set aside for blogging or marketing has been bumped, resulting in you working longer hours, or sliding the work over to the next day. And then there are the stories you carefully crafted which must be — will be — adjusted along the way based on caller input, leaving you feeling as if you are in the hot seat for instant erotic fantasy creation.

None of those scenarios are horrible, to say the least. But they are common. (Along with dozens more.) And when several of these scenarios happen in the same day, it can make for a frustrating day at work. (Not to mention the crazy work hours you may already keep, just trying to accommodate the schedules of callers.) These are the days when an understanding support system is needed. But if you want to do more than survive this business, if you want to excel and be profitable, you have to prepare yourself for these, and other, frustrating realities of the phone sex business.

You’ve likely heard the expression, “Fail to plan, plan to fail.” Well, for the sake of my own mental health — which greatly assists in being the cheery &/or sultry phone companion I am paid to be, I’ve slightly adopted my outlook.

Plans, as such, can feel a bit to precise; at least in terms of the great flexibility required for this job. So I’ve shifted my thinking from “solid plan” to “good intentions.” Intentions I follow through on, of course. (My mantra is: Intentions are best realized when initiated and delivered  by a professional possessing fluid flexibility, detailed organizational skills, and a positive attitude.)  But viewing my goals and tasks as “the day’s intentions,” feels looser, more forgiving and flexible, than plans I failed to carry out simply because clients rearranged my day for me. 

Maybe it’s all semantics to you; but it helps me greatly everyday. So choose you own words to describe not only how you set your goals, organize your tasks, and remain flexible but those which also provide you a sense of sanity as you work to pursue them. After all, words are the foundations of the phone sex business, so be sure to select those which most assist you in pursuit of your own happy endings.

Married Phone Sex Callers

In many ways, the sex phone biz is a lot like escorting: Men seek companionship, the possibility of sexual fantasy, or at the least the freedom to talk about it without judgment; you’re paid to deliver it.

These men are single, dating, divorced, widowed, married (or otherwise living in a committed relationship) — in all stages of relationships. It’s important to understand and accept this as fact before you begin a phone sex career.

Married men, men in committed relationships, they will call phone sex lines for entertainment purposes, much as they flip through pages of men’s magazines or surf porn on the Internet; they are in monogamous relationships — even happy ones, but they are not dead.

If you think participating in phone sex with a married or otherwise committed persons is condoning cheating or to be complicit to the cheating, you’ll never make it in this business. (Those of you mildly uncomfortable can read this excellent post by phone sex operators, The Peck & Call Girls: Is Phone Sex Cheating? Maybe that will help.)

You can’t avoid married male callers. You can’t simply ask them to confess and trust their answers; yup, men seeking phone sex services lie. (Or, if you prefer, you can think of it as they often do, as taking on their own fantasy phone sex personalities; tit for tat, so to speak.) You can’t afford to perform the kind of screening required to eliminate all married or committed men from using your services.The fact remains: A phone sex operator has calls from married men.

You can accept that and perform your duties as a PSO; or you can avoid the gig.

The one thing you cannot do is take a phone sex job and think you can change this fact by taking some “higher moral ground,” lecturing married callers or refusing to give them the services they are paying for. No matter what your opinion is, you cannot “save” these men or their marriages — these men are going to call someone. Your discomfort or refusal to take their calls just forces them to move on — annoyed, upset, or worse — to another who will provide the services. Plus you will lose your job. Even independents have to answer to someone, be it third party phone platforms or credit card companies. All it takes is a few key complaints in the right places and you’re out of business; another girl quickly takes your place and the caller’s money.

So be comfortable and accepting of married callers, or don’t sign up to be a phone sex provider.

Phone Sex Fantasy Worries & Hang-Ups

I haven’t discussed much about the actual “sex” in phone sex, yet; and what I have said may be more than a little overwhelming. So let me clarify a few things for beginners…

Whether your phone sex session is based on an erotic masturbatory session, a theoretical discussion, or a more personal counseling type of conversation, you will be exposed to a wide variety of sexual fantasies and fetishes.

It doesn’t matter if your phone sex character or listing is clearly stated to be limited to specific fantasies or niches or not; you will hear lots of different fantasies. In fact, the more limited your niche, fetish, or focus, the more surprised you might be to discover the depth and breadth of what you thought was quite a narrow specialty. And, of course, there are always those callers who seem immune to the rules, whether they be your individual offerings, the company rules, or legal constraints.

In other words, be prepared to hear everything, even if you have clear limits.

If you have a lot of emotional or mental hang-ups about sex, this isn’t the business to be in.

What happens if the caller is pushing the limits, breaking the rules?

While in many ways, the old adage, “The customer is always right!” holds true in phone sex work, you are not obligated — ever — to break the law. Providing good customer service is important, but never feel uncomfortable telling the caller when a topic is illegal. Usually, a polite, but firm, “I’m sorry, but we cannot talk about that,” followed by a sultry invitation to some other sort of play is all that is needed.

But, if the caller insists or otherwise frightens you, you should do two things: 1) hang up, and 2) report the caller to dispatch (or other company contact) so that they may take any appropriate legal actions. Inform them as soon as possible, while the data and info necessary is still easily accessible.

The same is rather true of callers who insist in conversations which are explicitly off limits due to the terms of service (TOS) of the phone sex company or, for independents, platforms and service providers you have agreements with. In these cases, dispatchers, billing, etc., may take action by adding the name to “the list” (which involves further investigations, warning, or, at the very least, no longer connecting those calls to you) or even blocking clients entirely from any and all future services.


But what if the topic isn’t illegal, or against TOS — it’s “just plain icky?”

Unless you work for a really bad phone sex service, you shouldn’t be forced to perform or participate in sex fantasies which upset or sicken you. (And if you do work for that sort of company — quit!  It’s not worth it.) This, however, should not be confused with fantasies which just don’t turn you on.

In cases where the fantasy doesn’t arouse you, you’ll just have to fake it and do the work — with a smile. Just like any other person with a customer service job. While there are many phone sex calls which do offer the opportunity for mutual masturbation, not every one will — and it’s not a requirement for a call or even a satisfactory call. In fact, many PSOs will tell you, some of their best work is done when they are not turned on themselves. Not being lost in the moment, distracted by their own erotic needs, means they are better able to focus on the needs of clients. And that’s what your job is: to deliver the fantasy service your caller wants.

What if I’m not good at talking about what he wants?

There will be times that, for whatever reason, you just aren’t any good at certain kinds of calls. Maybe you even like the scenes, but cannot lead and create the stories yourself. Maybe you can’t fully engage callers who seek a discussion, not an erotic time. Or maybe you don’t know what you’re doing wrong, but whenever you have a call on that topic, your call average takes a nosedive or your feedback is terrible. Whatever it is, you have a problem.

A smart professional phone sex provider knows that her bread is buttered best by her good performances. Good performances lead to longer calls, which means more money. And, for independents and those working for companies where they can be requested by callers, consistent hot calls lead to repeat and even regular callers. (As any business person will tell you, keeping a customer is less expensive than trolling for new ones.)

To that extent, a PSO who has a problem with a topic, fetish etc. does her best to problem solve. Perhaps she needs to research the subject, read erotica, get advice from a fellow PSO… Or, at the very least, she should inform dispatch not to send her those calls. (And if she’s independent, she’s best-off informing a caller that his happy ending lies elsewhere — providing a referral, if at all possible.)

For those professionals who do not have the option to redirect a caller, or who must otherwise endure a call while they improve their skills, they must choose between trying to lead a call on a tangent which will satisfy (or at least intrigue) their caller or politely but honestly inform them that they are not the right PSO for them — and/or be prepared to be hung up on.

Hang-ups, mental blocks and physical call disconnects, happen in this business; PSOs expect a certain, but small, percentage of them.