Category Archives: Taboos

It’s Not You; It’s Him

Not long after I started this blog about the phone sex business, the need for personal help became quite apparent. Not only help for individuals running an independent phone sex business via personalized consultations — but assistance for individual callers and clients as well.

While I keep most of the general “how to” articles, advice, and tips for callers at the phone sex Tumblr site, I do offer live, one-on-one help too. This includes making referrals, helping clients find just the right providers for their needs and desires. I most often do so by using a hunger analogy.

Typically, I charge for this via phone calls and messages at NiteFlirt. Not only because my time is valuable, but because many times the conversation and confessed details are about explicit fantasies and I want to be sure I am talking with a legal adult. But every now & then, I feel magnanimous and will help a gent on Twitter. Usually, this is via the promo account. But sometimes, say when I am directing a caller from the help-a-PSO-pro Twitter to the find-a-PSO-pro Twitter, I will enter into a caller referral consultation. This happened just at the end of last week. And the reason I bring it up here, is to help you understand a few things about callers and clients.

Now, I want to make it clear that I am not making fun of this man. As I often say, the poor dears struggle so — especially when they are aroused and the blood flows away from the brain in the big head to swell that little head! This is not intended to mock this individual or others like him, but to serve illustrative purposes about helping client’s find and articulate their deep hungers.

Our conversation was about helping him find a findom to suit his tastes & desires…

Keeping with my hunger analogy, and using pork as a cheeky way to reference findom piggy play, let’s say we’ve now established that this gent would like a ham sandwich. But I know that’s not enough to satisfy his specific hunger…

At this point, believing that I’ve pulled what information I can from him, I provide him with a potential provider match.

But clearly, he’s been holding something back — something so specific, that without knowing it, the hunger just won’t be satisfied. In fact, the meal is ruined.

At first, he makes it sound simple; like he’s just looking for a ham sandwich with cheese. Perhaps some chips… Oh, and something to drink. But it turns out, what he really wants is a pulled-pork sandwich on a King’s Hawaiian bakery roll, with sea salt kettle chips, and a craft beer.

Oh, and he wants homemade coleslaw too — but not on top of the sandwich. He wants it on the side — and it should never ever even touch any of the other food. Only he tells me that after I have brought him his meal, a meal that is now ruined so he won’t eat it.

The trouble is not that what he wants is impossible; it’s that it can’t be served if he doesn’t order it correctly.

If someone with decades of experience can have this much difficulty leading a thirsty horse to water, well, let’s just agree that it is that much more difficult for less experienced folk.

This is not something reserved for the findom fetish either. Often, getting a client or potential client to confess his fantasies can feel like pulling teeth. Most often, this is not because he is trying to be difficult but rather because he either has not properly identified what he wants or is unable to articulate his wants. When this happens, all you can do is try.

Ask questions. As what he likes as well as what he doesn’t like. Offer comparisons, options, present ‘either or’ scenarios… Try to get him to pry into his own head and find out what he and his dick really want.

But sometimes it just won’t work. If you’ve tried your darndest, and he’s still not confessing, it’s him — not you. Know that you are not to blame.

But also know that it will affect your sessions together.

Clearly, if the client cannot provide you the necessary information prior to your fantasy time together, it makes it much more difficult to deliver that fantasy. Recognize that your ability to serve, to provide great service, is in part based upon the information shared by the client.

Know that the customer can only be right when he has clearly communicated what’s important to him. When he doesn’t, things are likely to go poorly. And if you’ve honestly tried like hell to get him to confess, well, babe, the problem’s not you, it’s him.

You can have the best ham and cheese sandwiches in town, offer all the condiments and side dishes, have hundreds of beverages. But you won’t be able to please everyone, especially when what they really want is a pulled-pork sandwich which is not on the menu. And you can’t even satisfy them by directing them to the smokehouse down the road when they don’t tell you what they really want from the start. At least not before you whip up your house specialty, serve it with a smile, and the customer leaves without enjoying it or even paying.

But wait, there’s more!

On top of all that, the gentlemen disappeared. [That’s what those pink colored messages mean; he bailed on his Twitter account.] Multiple times, in fact. In the course of our conversation, he left at least twice over two days. [Who knows how many times since then; I’ve been too busy to continually check.]

Unfortunately, this is an all-too-common situation with adult industry clients.

Even when the client orders properly, even when you offer the best pulled-pork sandwich on a King’s Hawaiian bakery roll, with sea salt kettle chips, fresh homemade coleslaw — served on the side, and a cheeky little craft beer, the client may run away and hide.

Maybe it’s because he’s Jewish & shouldn’t have any pork. Maybe his budget only allows him to order fast food junk off a dollar menu. Maybe he’s an alcoholic who ought not have a beer. Maybe his doctor has him on a salt-free diet. Maybe he was afraid someone he knew would spot him dining at your establishment and tattle on him. Maybe his excitement over the meal-to-be had him peeing his pants. Who knows?!

Whatever his situation, fear and shame can make him jump up and leave. Yes, before the meal arrives. Yes, right in the middle of a meal. Yes, even after he confesses that this was the best meal he’s ever had. Frankly, they can, and will, do this whenever they wish or are motivated to flee.

To be honest, flight is not the only potential response to fear and shame. You might also run into clients and potential clients who show anger (fight response). And there are also those who seem rendered unable to make a decision (freeze response). There’s more information on such potential fear and shame responses here.

What’s important to note here is that there may be little you can do, at least in the moment, to address a client’s flight response. If/when you build a rapport with this client, you may, over time, build trust and alleviate such responses. Note: Only invest time in this push & pull when the client is respecting you enough to pay you for your time.

Again, this is not only for those with a findom kink. Callers, clients, and those who have the potential to become paying consumers of your adult services, of all stripes can do this. (Though I will say submissives, in general, tend to have more flight and freeze responses.)

The point is, again, that you do not control these behaviors. You should understand these behaviors, of course. But ultimately, it’s not you — it’s him.

Important! More NiteFlirt Policy Changes

I tweeted about this earlier today; but if you PSOs (“Flirts”) logged in at NF today, you likely saw this notice about changes in terms of service (TOS) policies at the phone sex platform site:

Please note that NiteFlirt does not permit the following content:
Explicit or suggested willingness to violate NiteFlirt’s policies such as “no taboos” and “no limits”
Non-consensual content
Blood play
Needle play
Knife play
Abduction fantasies
Forced intoxication

Please remove any content relating to these topics before next Monday. On Tuesday, February 28, we will be removing all listings, profiles, and Goody Bags containing this content.
For more about NiteFlirt’s policies, see Play Fair Basics. Please join us in the forums for more information if you have comments and questions.

Annoyingly, the link to the forum link doesn’t really work; like most direct links to any forum post, you get bounced to the main forum page & have to search or scroll for it. Thankfully, it is a “starred” or “pinned” thread, entitled “Policy Changes – Please read!”.

The main post is as follows:

As of today, NiteFlirt will no longer permit the following:

  • Explicit or suggested willingness to violate NiteFlirt’s policies such as “no taboos,” “no restrictions,” and “no limits”
  • Non-consensual content
  • Blood play
  • Needle play
  • Knife play
  • Abduction fantasies
  • Forced intoxication

If you have any content relating to these topics we ask that you please remove it before Tuesday, Feb. 28. On Tuesday, we will unaccept all listings, profiles, and Goody Bags containing this content.

You’ll note we are prohibiting the popular terminology of “no taboos.” As many of you have pointed out, “no taboos” suggests that a Flirt is willing to violate our policies and therefore engage in content we do not permit (even if that is often not the intent). By prohibiting this content, and other content that suggests you are willing to circumvent our policies, we make great strides in ensuring NiteFlirt remains a safe place for you to run your business and we minimize the requests for prohibited content that you receive from customers.

In that vein, we are also changing the “Anything Goes” category name to “Extra Kinky.” You will see this change in the coming days.

This begs a very obvious question, “Why?” As you may already be aware, FetLife was hit with a huge blow a few weeks ago and are currently unable to process credit cards (you can read more about that here). In order to protect NiteFlirt, our Flirts, and our community as a whole, we have reevaluated our policies and decided to make some changes.

We are happy to engage in a discussion regarding this change, however we ask that you leave politics out of the discussion and remain respectful towards us and your fellow Flirts. While it’s hard to ignore the role that politics plays, let’s make our moms happy and not discuss politics at the dinner table. In addition, we will not comment on the situation at Fetlife or the decisions they have made.

Because tweets, replies, and such can be difficult to follow, I will repeat some tweets with key points in this post — with links to tweets in case you wish to share/participate on Twitter. While I am quickly posting this news regarding NF, I am not part of the company itself; these opinions are my own. And I do recommend logging in and reading the entire forum thread, as Erin is replying to specific questions (along with referring folks to have their profiles, listings, goody items, etc. reviewed by Play Fair).

These changes, as noted, are based largely on what happened at FetLife regarding their credit card processing. As we know, the limits credit card processing companies, merchant accounts, and other financial institutions place on sex workers and the adult industry at large are bullshit creations of censorship and proof of the Pornocalypse. I obviously do not like it; but this is a fact of life & livelihood we have to deal with.

[Unlike NF, I don’t mind political talk; my parents encouraged political talk at the table. However, I just don’t have the time to rant today (I am barely fitting this post in as it is!) So feel free to comment here, on Twitter, etc. regarding the politics an culture of discrimination.]

The main point here is to address issues of consent. I know it’s particularly silly when this is fantasy talk between consenting partners, a caller and a phone sex operator. But people (in this case, financial institutions) still don’t get how this works. So they try to protect and manage things for us.

[And here I will take a moment to rant. Note that already in the terms of service at NF, one cannot discuss sexual bondage without making it clear that at least one of the submissive’s limbs is not bound. See, there’s to be “no penetration with all four limbs bound.” Which is not only an affront to those of us with rape fantasies, but an insult to those of us who are rape survivors by acting as if one limb was free — or we were not bound at all — we were not really raped!]

But back to the issue at hand here.

NF now instructs all Flirts to remove any references to any abduction or rape fantasies. From the further discussion on the forum, it seems an any forced or coerced scenes, especially those involving penetration are now forbidden. This includes oral penetration, as in “forced intoxication.” However, currently, “forced bi” or “forced feminization” are allowed (apparently as it is seen as “dressing” and role play, not penetration).

Also included in this TOS revision, are matters of skin penetration — including fantasies involving castration, knife & needle play, and any blood play. However, none of this is new as all of it, including menstrual play, has always been off limits.

What is new, is that castration appears prohibited; even if the chemical kind. (Again, this is all fantasy play — no one, no matter how much he begs, actually is castrated. But, it’s thought-police time.)

In order to address the perception that the phrases “no taboos,” “no limits,” “anything goes,” and the like are communicating that PSOs are tossing aside TOS, NF is banning such phases and, presumably, their derivatives. Also, NF is changing the “Anything Goes” category name to “Extra Kinky.” It must be pointed out that “Anything Goes” is currently both a NF category and an NF subcategory; yet it is unclear at this time if this change will affect both the category and the subcategory. [Here, I could get lost in the whole general oddness of NF’s categories… But I won’t.] What matters to Flirts & callers alike is the fact that any properly edited listings in “Anything Goes” will supposedly be automatically changed to the new “Extra Kinky” title — and links to those listings will not be lost. (One assumes hopes this will be done in both the category and the subcategory and via proper redirection. Also, that it will also work seamlessly with the affiliate program.)

What happens if your profile, listing, Goodie, etc. is not properly edited to address these announced changes? They will be marked “unaccepted,” and, like the last time we went through this, using the “red thumbs down icon.” If this is truly how NF proceeds, your listings, at least, can still be found if clients have bookmarked them or have come to them via a direct link on a website, tweet, etc. (Which is, again, why I am always pushing you to have your own website; for clients to bookmark them.) If callers know and dial your direct extension number, lines should also work.

As I said on Twitter, it should be noted that callers will not see any such notice when they login. Nor has the official NF Twitter posted a damn thing about this. Which means, once again, NF is relying on PSOs to communicate the issue & placate customers. This is unfortunate. But savvy Flirts will be on this, ready to address client concerns; even if NF isn’t.

Again, I strongly urge any PSOs using NF to read in the forum, then appraise their profiles, listings, goodies, etc. and edit as necessary. For those who have NF compliant blogs & websites, you’ll likely need to scour and edit them as well. And to do so asap! The cut off date is Tuesday, February 28, 2017; which means Play Fair is going to be very busy, so get in line with any questions right now.

What You Can Learn About Culture From Sex & Sex Work

I was showing a PSO client how to use Google Trends yesterday when I spotted an interesting trend…

Question: According to Google, what region of the world has the highest probability of searching for femdom?

Answer: Syria.

(Click images for larger views.)

phonesexfemdomsyria

Not only has there been a growing interest in female domination services, but the increase in such Syrian searches appears to align with rise of the Syrian conflict or Syrian Civil War which began in 2011 with the Arab Spring protests.

Also, this fetish interest has sharply increased — some might even say it has “spiked” — in recent weeks. In fact, a closer look shows that Syria has a lot of related femdom searches — including a number of “Breakout” search terms, such as for feet, fetish, etc. In case you don’t know what “Breakout” means, it is defined by Google as a search term which grew by more than 5000%. Yes, 5000%!

syriafemdomfetish

Part of me wants to go down a deep rabbit hole and research the possible causes and connections. But that’s time, and time is money. So I’m just going to go with what I know about human sexuality and sex work in general:

1.) When human beings are stressed, there is a strong increase in sex drives especially in terms of desires of the kinky and taboo kind. (And what can be more taboo in a culture that demands women submit to men than femdommes?)

2.) Those professing extreme conservatism, be it religious or political, are often doing so to suppress their own taboo urges. (Can you say, “hypocrites”?)

If you, like I, are seeing an increase in such international callers (often most visible to me in the demand for all sorts of religious humiliation sex game requests), this may explain it.

Ignore Lines, Financial Domination & Other Femdom Phone Sex Games

For those of you interested in understanding financial domination, ignore lines, and other erotic humiliations in phone sex, there’s a great article at Sex Kitten: Ignore Me, I’ll Pay You; Blackmail Me, I’ll Pay You Again. I would have linked to this article, even if I hadn’t been included in it. Really!

MPS Network Compliance Reviews (Or, Where Is My Favorite Phone Sex Operator At MyPhoneSite?)

If you’re an MPS user, phone sex operator or caller, you may have noticed that some sites have appeared to be down or without operator listings while the phone sex platform site has been performing a complete network-wide review. This compliance review, targeting both quality control issues as well as merchant regulations, was done April 3rd and 4th — however some operator listings may still be missing.

Phone sex operators with sites or listings which are deemed non-complaint will be contacted about the specific changes needed to become active again, but it is a large project so notices are in progress.

And accounts and PSO listings which are still temporarily inactive are not necessarily non-compliant.

If your MPS site or operator listings are missing, you should contact MPS to find out why. (In my case, the categories were mysteriously missing and I had to reset them.) As always, communication with MPS support was quick and efficient. If you notice anything missing, or any wobbles as a result of this maintenance, just contact them!

Also, to clarify about the merchant “taboo” regulations, MPS maintains it’s true “no taboo” status. Consenting adults are not limited in their phone conversations. However, there are specific limitations in what can appear on the MPS site, including adult phone sex listings. I have clarified that you can both allude to these subjects and are allowed to reference these subjects, including use of the banned words, outside of the MPS network on your own websites and blogs (provided your hosting company has no issues with these topics).

What Is A Femdom?

I’ve been putting off this post for quite some time because, like most things sexual, BDSM, power play, etc. is an extremely complicated subject. Tomes have been written about the subject (I prefer, and highly recommend, those by Dr. Gloria Brame), so condensing such things in an introductory way that both makes sense and is usable is difficult indeed. But it’s getting harder and harder to continue discussing how to be an independent phone sex operator without it. So here we go…

What Is A Femdom?

A Femdom, Femdomme, Female Dominant, Domina, Dominatrix, Mistress, or Goddess (among others) are the names given to powerful females in BDSM relationships, communities, and erotic activities. These names are often capitalized to show respect; while all references to the submissives, subs, and slaves are not.

(Some in the BDSM community are hell-bent on committed to the use of such capitalization, but I am more committed to the rules of grammar and do not generally “remember” to use them in my writing. Maybe I’m more afraid of former English teachers and nuns with rulers than I am any BDSM police. *wink* Whatever. I won’t continue to use the improper yet traditional capitalization techniques of power play here.)

While all BDSM play is consensual, the female dominant is supposed to determine, direct, and control the encounter; hence another term for this sort of power play is “female led relationships.” However, as a PSO is a paid professional, there is some debate within the BDSM community whether PSOs (along with dungeon dominatrixes, and other sex workers) can actually be leading the relationship, scenes, or play because an element of “the customer is always right” leaves some to believe that the client or caller is the one who is really in control — an economic version of topping from the bottom. (If they believe in that sort of thing. …As you might imagine, there are lots of control-freak issues within the BDSM community. Like the capitalization issue, I eschew such gimmicky, formulaic considerations and prefer to deal with the psychological-lust-fare that really makes things work.)

What Activities Or Scenes Does A Femdom Lead?

For most people, BDSM brings to mind sadism, physical pain, corporal punishment, and physical discipline — spanking, whipping, and caning; figging; hot wax play; cock and ball torture (CBT); etc.

But it’s not all whips and chains here. There is a wide range of BDSM play or practices.

Activities include, but are not limited to:

* body worship
* face-sitting, smothering, and/or breath control
* verbal humiliation (mocking small dicks, race, religion, etc.)
* physical humiliation (boot licking, spitting, golden showers, enemas, etc.)
* tease and denial
* cuckolding
* orgasm denial, orgasm control, ruined orgasm, forced chastity
* strap-on dildo penetration (pegging) and prostate milking
* forced feminization (cross-dressing, domestic service as a sissy maid, and/or use by men)
* cum-eating and/or feltching
* age-play
* CFNM (clothed female, nude male)
* trampling
* financial domination & blackmail
* hypnosis and mind control
* forced intoxication
* objectification and dehumanization (human furniture; human ashtray; doll or robot; puppy play, piggy play, etc., in which the sub lives the life of an animal serving the whims of his Mistress)

This list is by no means exhaustive; but it’s nearly exhausting to create! *wink*

How Does A Femdom Lead?

Just as there are many ways for a malesub to serve or be used, there are different styles of dominating for a femdom to choose from. Here are just a few female archetypes that indicate dominating styles:

* teasing brat
* sensual dominant woman
* princess to spoil
* commanding queen
* humiliating mocking woman, aka humiliatrix
* authoritative alpha female (boss, police or military officer, teacher, etc.)
* loving female authority figure (mom, step-mom, aunt, etc.)
* classic leather-wearing, ball-busting, dungeon dominatrix
* supernatural or otherworldly goddess
* paranormal witch or succubus
* sci-fi or counter-culture female supremacist


What Does This All Mean For A Phone Sex Femdom?

That is the million dollar question, isn’t it.

There are endless combinations of styles, activities and even means of dominating a man as a phone sex operator.

Before you can determine, direct, and control the encounter with the caller, you must determine, direct, and control the type of phone sex femdom you want to be. And, in many cases, where you want to offer your services as some of these fantasies are against phone sex platform terms of service (TOS).

More on this to come, as I’m sure many of you have your thinking caps to put on. *wink*

"My Wife Doesn’t Understand Me" & The Other Little White Lies Of Phone Sex

Phone sex is based in fantasy. Even those calls which seem more like therapeutic counseling or friendly chit-chat sessions occur because the caller believes in the fantasy of the girl on the other end of the line. This is not to say that you, the PSO, are not truly a sexy (understanding, dominating, garter-belt-and-stocking-not-sweat-pant-wearing etc.) person — but the persona you cultivate and market is what callers are initially responding to and believe in enough to continue to pay for your services. You are The Fantasy Girl. At all times. Forget that at your own peril.

But callers also create their own phone sex characters or personalities.

Some do it to envelope themselves in the full fantasy. On the phone, and in other interactions with you, they are taller/smaller, richer/poorer, have more hair, a smaller or larger tool; it’s endless.

In some cases, they are escaping unpleasant realities, from wheelchairs and job losses to recent bitter break-ups. In others, they seek professional phone sex services to fully insert themselves into the role play — developing characters that they put on, like costumes. No longer satisfied with stories about swash-bucking pirates taking maids, they want to be in the story. (To participate as pirate or maid, who knows? *wink*)

No matter what his reason, the professional phone sex operator just goes along with whoever, whatever, the caller says he is.

Oh, the number of girls I’ve seen lose phone sex income because they waste their time trying to figure out what’s true or not about a caller! What a waste of time. What lost opportunities. As a phone sex professional, what your callers say is true to you as long as a call lasts. And it’s true too for every future call — until you are told differently.

But of course you can’t believe everything they say.

His wife isn’t necessarily a bitch. Or ill. Or dead. Or whatever he says. Hell, he may not ever have been married. Maybe it’s just easier for him to play the role of a married man on the phone. Maybe he feels it further masks his identity. Maybe his fantasy taboo is enhanced by the naughty idea of cheating or being caught. Maybe he thinks you’ll be less judgmental of a man who “can’t get it that way at home” than you would be of a man who’s too uncomfortable to tell his lover what gets him off. Maybe he pretends to be married simply because he feels that would make him more sympathetic. Who knows? He says he’s married; he’s married. Just work with it.

The are only two times the caller’s fantasy persona or little white lies matter:

* One, during those therapeutic calls when such details help you, the PSO, to understand the client’s situation or needs.

* Two, when the caller’s fantasy persona get in the way of him actually feeling understood and accepted.

In either case, the onus is on the caller to be honest — or continue to suffer from less than satisfying services.

As a phone sex operator, your job is to be as emotionally accessible and understanding as you can to encourage your client to open up. But it really is up to him to give you the information you need to meet his needs.

Callers, at this point I must address you specifically. 

If you feel that your phone sex fantasy-self is getting in the way, if you feel the persona you project is actually prohibiting the PSO from pushing your hot buttons, go ahead and change or add to your story. She won’t think less of you for it; you don’t have any obligation to keep a PSOs’ fantasy going. There’s no need for you, the client, to create another member account or name either. Just share new information, switch things up, tell her the truth, change characters.

For those of you who want to continue the fantasy calls with your fantasy PSO and have more “real talk” or counseling type calls with her too, just let your favorite phone sex operator know that. There’s no need to have one PSO for fantasy calls and another for other calls. In fact, I advise against it. Letting her get to know you better, sharing your multiple interests and facets, just makes for better calls period.

BDSM Phone Sex Fantasy Basics

BDSM is a really huge umbrella covering a number of very large umbrellas. BDSM is a compound acronym derived from several terms: bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M).

One reason BDSM phone sex fantasy play is so popular is that the play is limitless. There’s no real threat… No pain threshold or risk of doing real damage, so you don’t need to know what you’re doing. No marks for anyone to hide from family, friends, coworkers. No extreme too extreme — it’s all in your mind.

There are as many facets to BDSM as to those who fantasize or practice such activities, resulting in nearly as many websites and books covering (or exposing) them. So it really doesn’t make any sense for me to try to replicate any of them. What I can do, however, is try to break down a few points for the practicing PSO (and caller) to consider.

First, a bit of a primer for those not familiar with some of the fundamentals…

The “top” or dominant (in phone sex work, often called the Domme, Fem Dom, or Mistress) is the person in the role that often involves inflicting pain, degradation, humiliation, or subjugation to the “bottom” or submissive (often called the sub or slave, among other things) who submits voluntarily. Although the top usually is the dominant lead, it is not always so…

Sometimes the dominant “tops” the submissive expressly the way the submissive wishes. This is called “topping from the bottom” and in many BDSM circles it is highly debated in terms of its Truth and/or acceptability. To the extent that anyone paying for BDSM play is a client — a client who selects the service and therefore somewhat directs it, the lines here are murky at best for most BDSM purists.

Being a “switch” is someone who switches back and forth between top and bottom roles. (It is one of the most difficult phone sex services to market. I’m not saying it can’t be done, that it can’t be lucrative; I’m saying it is more difficult than picking one “side” to specialize in. Most male subs prefer to be dominated by a “true” dominant female and most dominant male phone callers prefer not to feel challenged.)

From a professional point of view, taking a No Topping From The Bottom stance has consequences. If you say, “You can’t say no to me about anything,” you market yourself firmly — but know the following:

* You will be expected to lead the call, which puts more pressure on you right from the start.

* The submissive caller can hang-up, walk out, any time they want. This can and will result in short(er) calls and, often, bad feedback (ratings, referrals, complaints, etc.).

Submissive PSOs, you always retain the right to draw lines at what you will and will not do, just like the femdom phone sex operators do. You have the right to refuse submissive fantasy phone play if it is against TOS — including your own terms of service.

Callers:

Callers, saying you are a submissive, sub, etc. is not enough information for even the best PSO to operate off of. Being submissive is a wide open field, open to subjective interpretation. The PSO cannot read your mind and know just what that means to you. Even saying you are “very kinky” or into “extreme twisted play” is nearly meaningless to those of us who have been around the block before. We don’t want to frighten you off, creep you out, turn you off or otherwise scare you away, so most of us err on the side of caution and hope you’ll give us more information. Tell us you want to be humiliated for the size of your small penis. Tell us you want to be caught with our panties and blackmailed into serving as a sissy maid at our next party. Tell us if you want to be kept in a dog crate; if you want to be spanked, smothered, etc.

If you’re a Dominant man, the same goes for you; tell your PSO the sorts of things you expect to do to her.

Complaints, bad feedback, etc. should never be given when you, the caller, resist or refuse to take responsibility for your own participation in the call.

Phone Sex Fantasy Worries & Hang-Ups

I haven’t discussed much about the actual “sex” in phone sex, yet; and what I have said may be more than a little overwhelming. So let me clarify a few things for beginners…

Whether your phone sex session is based on an erotic masturbatory session, a theoretical discussion, or a more personal counseling type of conversation, you will be exposed to a wide variety of sexual fantasies and fetishes.

It doesn’t matter if your phone sex character or listing is clearly stated to be limited to specific fantasies or niches or not; you will hear lots of different fantasies. In fact, the more limited your niche, fetish, or focus, the more surprised you might be to discover the depth and breadth of what you thought was quite a narrow specialty. And, of course, there are always those callers who seem immune to the rules, whether they be your individual offerings, the company rules, or legal constraints.

In other words, be prepared to hear everything, even if you have clear limits.

If you have a lot of emotional or mental hang-ups about sex, this isn’t the business to be in.

What happens if the caller is pushing the limits, breaking the rules?

While in many ways, the old adage, “The customer is always right!” holds true in phone sex work, you are not obligated — ever — to break the law. Providing good customer service is important, but never feel uncomfortable telling the caller when a topic is illegal. Usually, a polite, but firm, “I’m sorry, but we cannot talk about that,” followed by a sultry invitation to some other sort of play is all that is needed.

But, if the caller insists or otherwise frightens you, you should do two things: 1) hang up, and 2) report the caller to dispatch (or other company contact) so that they may take any appropriate legal actions. Inform them as soon as possible, while the data and info necessary is still easily accessible.

The same is rather true of callers who insist in conversations which are explicitly off limits due to the terms of service (TOS) of the phone sex company or, for independents, platforms and service providers you have agreements with. In these cases, dispatchers, billing, etc., may take action by adding the name to “the list” (which involves further investigations, warning, or, at the very least, no longer connecting those calls to you) or even blocking clients entirely from any and all future services.


But what if the topic isn’t illegal, or against TOS — it’s “just plain icky?”

Unless you work for a really bad phone sex service, you shouldn’t be forced to perform or participate in sex fantasies which upset or sicken you. (And if you do work for that sort of company — quit!  It’s not worth it.) This, however, should not be confused with fantasies which just don’t turn you on.

In cases where the fantasy doesn’t arouse you, you’ll just have to fake it and do the work — with a smile. Just like any other person with a customer service job. While there are many phone sex calls which do offer the opportunity for mutual masturbation, not every one will — and it’s not a requirement for a call or even a satisfactory call. In fact, many PSOs will tell you, some of their best work is done when they are not turned on themselves. Not being lost in the moment, distracted by their own erotic needs, means they are better able to focus on the needs of clients. And that’s what your job is: to deliver the fantasy service your caller wants.

What if I’m not good at talking about what he wants?

There will be times that, for whatever reason, you just aren’t any good at certain kinds of calls. Maybe you even like the scenes, but cannot lead and create the stories yourself. Maybe you can’t fully engage callers who seek a discussion, not an erotic time. Or maybe you don’t know what you’re doing wrong, but whenever you have a call on that topic, your call average takes a nosedive or your feedback is terrible. Whatever it is, you have a problem.

A smart professional phone sex provider knows that her bread is buttered best by her good performances. Good performances lead to longer calls, which means more money. And, for independents and those working for companies where they can be requested by callers, consistent hot calls lead to repeat and even regular callers. (As any business person will tell you, keeping a customer is less expensive than trolling for new ones.)

To that extent, a PSO who has a problem with a topic, fetish etc. does her best to problem solve. Perhaps she needs to research the subject, read erotica, get advice from a fellow PSO… Or, at the very least, she should inform dispatch not to send her those calls. (And if she’s independent, she’s best-off informing a caller that his happy ending lies elsewhere — providing a referral, if at all possible.)

For those professionals who do not have the option to redirect a caller, or who must otherwise endure a call while they improve their skills, they must choose between trying to lead a call on a tangent which will satisfy (or at least intrigue) their caller or politely but honestly inform them that they are not the right PSO for them — and/or be prepared to be hung up on.

Hang-ups, mental blocks and physical call disconnects, happen in this business; PSOs expect a certain, but small, percentage of them.