Tag Archives: sex work

Are You Trying To Make Money In Phone Sex, Or Be An Advocate?

Yes, I know this post is going to anger some folks — but only if they don’t really take the time to read & digest it.

So here’s your warning: Pause, take a breath, read for comprehension, and see if this A) may apply to you & B) whether or not you feel it impacts you enough to do anything about it.

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For the past few months, I’ve been hearing from a number of my PSO clients that they feel that call volume has slowed down &/or that they’ve been getting fewer new clients. There can be a number of reasons for this, of course. But when I take a look at their blogs and Twitter accounts, I see a pattern…

Simply put, there’s a lot of ranting & raving, wailing & hair-pulling, going on. Not only in the content phone sex operators are creating, but the content they are sharing as well. And all of this intense energy (be it negative or advocacy) is contrary to the notions of entertainment — which is, at its most simple, activity which provides pleasure and delight, an escape or respite from reality.

Yes, this past year or more has been a tumultuous period — especially if you are a woman, a person of color, LBGT+, or any other minority or marginalized group… Or if you just need something as basic as health care. And all this definitely includes sex workers. I also understand how all the current political and economic environment produces stress which negatively impacts mental health, among other things. I get it. All of it. Beleive me. I’ve even written about this for clients to hip them to the realities of our lives.

Yes, there are times when it makes sense to educate clients. And there are times to alert clients to actions they can and should take as a citizen, as an ally. There are absolutely issues, situations, and the like which should be voiced by you to the followers you have cultivated.

But when your blog, your Twitter — your brand — comes across like as a constant stream of anger, upset, or ire; when it makes you sound like a sad-sack; when it reads like a to-do list of political actions and civic duties; you are going to lose client interest and potential customers both. And all these words you’re using? They are read by search engines too; which means you are messing up your SEO as well.

For those of you who say, “If they don’t agree with me politically, I don’t want to deal with them anyway! — or something similar — let me tell you, you are equally as likely to turn off like-minded individuals.

Why?

Because, again, paying phone sex callers are looking for fun, for pleasure — for an escape from the daily grind! It’s exhausting for all of us. Clients pay for entertainment, including adult services, to escape.

Now, I’m not saying, “You can’t blog, tweet, or talk about anything negative or important.” I’m just saying that if you feel your income is suffering, if you fear your economic livelihood is threatened, then you ought to look over your online presence and access whether or not it may be turning clients and potential clients off.

Nor am I saying, “You are not allowed to be a person or to express yourself.” I’m just asking you to consider whether your need to express yourself is getting in the way of your marketing plan and financial goals.

If you feel that you need to express more often, if you feel you need to point out what’s wrong, what needs to be done, get yourself another blog &/or Twitter account upon which to vent, educate, and represent your activism, converse regularly with the movement(s) of your choice. That’s what many of us do, myself included.

I know how easy it can be to fall into the ranting trap. I really do. Often, such rant-tweets are the most popular tweets we can make! This is because other sex workers will often jump in with retweets or add comments. But other sex workers are not our target audience. If you forget who you are trying to reach, i.e. fans, loyal clients, and potential callers, then you can quickly find yourself losing that audience — and the related income.

Ask yourself, are you trying to make money in phone sex, or be an advocate for a cause or movement?

If it’s the former, take a few minutes, look over your online accounts, and ask yourself if your actions are supporting that endeavor.

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Is this your first time here? You may wish to read this post and my Statement Of Purpose asap!

Even if you’ve been here before, you may have missed the new additions to the site:

New, easier to schedule consultations, coaching, & tutoring sessions page!
A concise listing of all my instantly downloadable phone sex whitepaper guides!
A list of my most popular other services for PSOs — including rates and buy now options!

It’s Not You; It’s Him

Not long after I started this blog about the phone sex business, the need for personal help became quite apparent. Not only help for individuals running an independent phone sex business via personalized consultations — but assistance for individual callers and clients as well.

While I keep most of the general “how to” articles, advice, and tips for callers at the phone sex Tumblr site, I do offer live, one-on-one help too. This includes making referrals, helping clients find just the right providers for their needs and desires. I most often do so by using a hunger analogy.

Typically, I charge for this via phone calls and messages at NiteFlirt. Not only because my time is valuable, but because many times the conversation and confessed details are about explicit fantasies and I want to be sure I am talking with a legal adult. But every now & then, I feel magnanimous and will help a gent on Twitter. Usually, this is via the promo account. But sometimes, say when I am directing a caller from the help-a-PSO-pro Twitter to the find-a-PSO-pro Twitter, I will enter into a caller referral consultation. This happened just at the end of last week. And the reason I bring it up here, is to help you understand a few things about callers and clients.

Now, I want to make it clear that I am not making fun of this man. As I often say, the poor dears struggle so — especially when they are aroused and the blood flows away from the brain in the big head to swell that little head! This is not intended to mock this individual or others like him, but to serve illustrative purposes about helping client’s find and articulate their deep hungers.

Our conversation was about helping him find a findom to suit his tastes & desires…

Keeping with my hunger analogy, and using pork as a cheeky way to reference findom piggy play, let’s say we’ve now established that this gent would like a ham sandwich. But I know that’s not enough to satisfy his specific hunger…

At this point, believing that I’ve pulled what information I can from him, I provide him with a potential provider match.

But clearly, he’s been holding something back — something so specific, that without knowing it, the hunger just won’t be satisfied. In fact, the meal is ruined.

At first, he makes it sound simple; like he’s just looking for a ham sandwich with cheese. Perhaps some chips… Oh, and something to drink. But it turns out, what he really wants is a pulled-pork sandwich on a King’s Hawaiian bakery roll, with sea salt kettle chips, and a craft beer.

Oh, and he wants homemade coleslaw too — but not on top of the sandwich. He wants it on the side — and it should never ever even touch any of the other food. Only he tells me that after I have brought him his meal, a meal that is now ruined so he won’t eat it.

The trouble is not that what he wants is impossible; it’s that it can’t be served if he doesn’t order it correctly.

If someone with decades of experience can have this much difficulty leading a thirsty horse to water, well, let’s just agree that it is that much more difficult for less experienced folk.

This is not something reserved for the findom fetish either. Often, getting a client or potential client to confess his fantasies can feel like pulling teeth. Most often, this is not because he is trying to be difficult but rather because he either has not properly identified what he wants or is unable to articulate his wants. When this happens, all you can do is try.

Ask questions. As what he likes as well as what he doesn’t like. Offer comparisons, options, present ‘either or’ scenarios… Try to get him to pry into his own head and find out what he and his dick really want.

But sometimes it just won’t work. If you’ve tried your darndest, and he’s still not confessing, it’s him — not you. Know that you are not to blame.

But also know that it will affect your sessions together.

Clearly, if the client cannot provide you the necessary information prior to your fantasy time together, it makes it much more difficult to deliver that fantasy. Recognize that your ability to serve, to provide great service, is in part based upon the information shared by the client.

Know that the customer can only be right when he has clearly communicated what’s important to him. When he doesn’t, things are likely to go poorly. And if you’ve honestly tried like hell to get him to confess, well, babe, the problem’s not you, it’s him.

You can have the best ham and cheese sandwiches in town, offer all the condiments and side dishes, have hundreds of beverages. But you won’t be able to please everyone, especially when what they really want is a pulled-pork sandwich which is not on the menu. And you can’t even satisfy them by directing them to the smokehouse down the road when they don’t tell you what they really want from the start. At least not before you whip up your house specialty, serve it with a smile, and the customer leaves without enjoying it or even paying.

But wait, there’s more!

On top of all that, the gentlemen disappeared. [That’s what those pink colored messages mean; he bailed on his Twitter account.] Multiple times, in fact. In the course of our conversation, he left at least twice over two days. [Who knows how many times since then; I’ve been too busy to continually check.]

Unfortunately, this is an all-too-common situation with adult industry clients.

Even when the client orders properly, even when you offer the best pulled-pork sandwich on a King’s Hawaiian bakery roll, with sea salt kettle chips, fresh homemade coleslaw — served on the side, and a cheeky little craft beer, the client may run away and hide.

Maybe it’s because he’s Jewish & shouldn’t have any pork. Maybe his budget only allows him to order fast food junk off a dollar menu. Maybe he’s an alcoholic who ought not have a beer. Maybe his doctor has him on a salt-free diet. Maybe he was afraid someone he knew would spot him dining at your establishment and tattle on him. Maybe his excitement over the meal-to-be had him peeing his pants. Who knows?!

Whatever his situation, fear and shame can make him jump up and leave. Yes, before the meal arrives. Yes, right in the middle of a meal. Yes, even after he confesses that this was the best meal he’s ever had. Frankly, they can, and will, do this whenever they wish or are motivated to flee.

To be honest, flight is not the only potential response to fear and shame. You might also run into clients and potential clients who show anger (fight response). And there are also those who seem rendered unable to make a decision (freeze response). There’s more information on such potential fear and shame responses here.

What’s important to note here is that there may be little you can do, at least in the moment, to address a client’s flight response. If/when you build a rapport with this client, you may, over time, build trust and alleviate such responses. Note: Only invest time in this push & pull when the client is respecting you enough to pay you for your time.

Again, this is not only for those with a findom kink. Callers, clients, and those who have the potential to become paying consumers of your adult services, of all stripes can do this. (Though I will say submissives, in general, tend to have more flight and freeze responses.)

The point is, again, that you do not control these behaviors. You should understand these behaviors, of course. But ultimately, it’s not you — it’s him.

Surprise! Cam Girls (PSOs & Other Sex Workers) Want To Build Wealth & Feel Empowered By Their Work [Infographic]

Stripchat recently polled a cross-section of webcam models for insight into their lives as not only performers but as female entrepreneurs in this emerging industry & created an infographic from the data. While I’m not a cam expert (at least not in cam sites; I know a lot about one-on-one camming on sites such as NiteFlirt), I do believe a lot of the info presented here would be similar to that of phone sex operators and other sex workers — if anyone cared to ask us.

Look! Women get these jobs for the same reason most humans get jobs: to build wealth & feel empowered. (Which is a bit redundant; money is empowerment.)

Of course the infographic came with a press release:

The infographic, “Female Empowerment – Cam Model Insights That’ll Blow Your Mind…” details the motivations for becoming webcam entertainers, and most women polled (87%) said they “feel empowered by their webcam careers” while others appreciate the freedom of working from home and building wealth as their own bosses’.

“As a new company that’s focused on our cam models’ best interests, we decided to take an informal poll of performers in order to find out what motivates them and what we can do to help create a more successful business for them,” said Stripchat Head of Business Development Jim Austin.

The majority of entertainers polled by Stripchat work 30 hours a week or more (44%), are married with no kids (42%), focused on saving for retirement (45%); experienced models earn $300 a day and can make up to $128,000 a year (on average) and the majority of entertainers hold down jobs in the corporate sector (52%), with an eye on entrepreneurship.

“People are really starting to understand the importance of building wealth and preparing for the future in a business with so much flexibility in terms of hours and location,” said Austin. “Stripchat is ideal for models to use for selling not only live cam shows but videos and photo gallery content as well.”

My comments? Well, 150 is a small sample, but at least it gives you an inkling… Your mileage will definitely vary in terms of pay. And I definitely would urge that 34% to tell their partners; such lies of omission rarely turn out well. Plus, how can your partner support you if they don’t know what you are doing? Just leads to more isolation. Something that’s tough enough in sex work.

PS For more on what camgirls do:

What’s It Like To Be A CamGirl?

What Women Want To Know About Being A CamGirl

Phone Sex Is Sex Work – It’s In The News, & You Can Learn From It

If you’re following me on Twitter, you’ve likely seen my tweets about Margaret Cho’s recent championing of sex workers & their rights. Cho knows what she’s talking about. Before her comedy career took off, she, like Whoopi Goldberg, paid the bills working first as a phone sex operator. After her PSO work, Cho worked as a dominatrix. While Cho doesn’t elaborate on why she left phone sex, she does say why she gave up being a femdom:

“I was lazy,” she said. “I lacked empathy, and,” referencing the job’s requirement for administering floggings and other forms of corporal punishment that a client might request, “I had a bad arm.”

Well, the self-described laziness may be why she left phone sex… Or the bad arm? (Phones back then were heavier!) Whatever the case, I’m thrilled that Cho is putting a positive spotlight on the needs of sex workers.

But still, Cho’s story illustrates that even when you are open to sex work, you may not be well-suited for it. And even when you are good at one form of sex work, you may not be happy with another.

Which brings me to another news story…

Before Lea Grover became a “mommy blogger” (or even a mom), she helped put herself through college by working as a phone sex operator. While she seemed to enjoy the work, found it within her skill set, was challenged and even amused by it, loved the casual way she could work from home, felt shameless enough about it to confess her work to her parents, and even felt it was a safer alternative to other jobs, Grover eventually left the work because she found it depressing.

In the original article at Cosmo, Grover confesses:

But after a few months, I started to feel depressed each time I logged my phone onto the call network. I dreaded the phone ringing, and I went from eating healthy as I worked to binging on ice cream and cookies, pretending to find strangers’ masturbation fascinating.

It took a long time to figure out what was bothering me about my job, but after listening to some restaurant industry friends complain about their patrons, it struck me. Nobody, not a single caller, had ever said, “Thank you.”

And none of them had ever said, “Goodbye.”

They were so thoroughly wrapped up in their exhibitionism, in themselves, that I might as well have been a pre-recorded moaning device. And while I didn’t exactly expect callers to care about me as a human being, night after night filled with dozens of people hanging up on me mid-sentence as though I didn’t exist started to really hurt my self esteem and self confidence.

So I stopped doing phone sex and got a job working retail, like a “normal” college student.

In case you skimmed that — or missed the irony — let me point something out: Grover finally put a finger on just what was bothering her about her work as a PSO after hearing the complaints of others working in another service occupation, the restaurant industry. (And then she left for yet another service industry, retail, which I can tell you, isn’t any better.)

On any give day, any given shift, any person working in a restaurant (front of the house or the back) goes without the expressed thankful recognition of the work that they do for the people they serve. And if there’s no appreciation for those working in the noble profession of feeding someone — arguably some of the most nurturing work a person can do — how can you expect it to be any different in sex work where the “work” aspect is largely denied?

It is a sad fact that few people bother to acknowledge, let alone thank, those who serve them. If this pervasive cultural attitude offends or hurts you, you should not be working in any sector of the service industry, period. And this definitely includes phone sex and other forms of sex work, as sex workers are , sadly (stupidly!), largely disrespected the world over.

Since sex work is such a personal, intimate service, I can fully understand Grover’s depression over the lack of recognition of her as a person. Good for her for leaving! As my consultant clients can tell you, I’m aware of how taxing the specialized nurturing work of sex work can be and that I take great pains to address the potential personal and emotional impacts of this work upfront.

But even as I do not in any way blame or condemn Grover (or others) who feel this way about being a phone sex operator (or any form of sex work), I feel it’s important to point out a few things…

Honestly, in all my years of being a sex worker (from escorting to phone sex work), I can count the number of times I’ve endured a departure without a “Thank you,” on one hand. …OK, as it has been decades now, perhaps two hands. Even if it at times it sounds more obligatory than heart-felt, I’m used to being thanked for my services.

And the only times I’ve been hung up on while speaking on the phone was when a caller was shockingly interrupted by a coworker, family member, etc.. He may have hung up in a frightened hurry; but generally he’ll contact with apologies later, often with a tribute. (And if there’s no apology, I do not hesitate to block.)

Why do I believe my experiences have been better than Grover’s or others with similar stories?

It’s all about how you handle your business.

Grover’s use of “call network” indicates to me that Grover was not an independent phone sex operator, but rather was at the mercy of a phone sex company; she just took the calls sent to her. Whether or not this was true for Grover, there are things indie PSOs can do to avoid such terrible callers and clients.

Primarily, it’s all about how you position yourself in the market. Present yourself (via photos, descriptions, blog posts, tweets, rate, etc.) as an easy, quick, and cheap thrill — in cheap publications and at classless sites — and “easy, quick, and cheap” is all you’ll be to prospective callers and clients. They’ll treat you as such, with all the rudeness it implies.

However, if you present yourself as a quality service provider, placing your ads and performing your marketing in more pedigreed places, you’ll attract a higher quality clientele. Live up to those high standards and not only will clients thank you for it, but you’ll keep those classier clients. Phone sex is, after all, a luxury purchase; express how true that is for your individual services and you’ll avoid the many of the rude, bargain-basement, one-minute wankers. The few asshats you do run into won’t burn you out or upset you because you’ll be treated well overall.

(Oh, and avoid working traditional “after bar” hours, when cheap drunks call for quickies too.)

Of course, there are plenty of PSOs who happily bank on short, cheap calls. Rude or not, they take the money and run.

I’m not one of them. I’d rather spend two hours with one caller than try to corral and accommodate dozens of others in the same time-frame. But, hey, that’s me.

Fundamentally, it’s up to you to decide. First, whether or not this line of work is a good fit for you. And then, if you think it is, decide what you can tolerate, what you enjoy, and how to get the callers and business you want. If you need my help with that, I’m available for consultations; rates & info here.

Is this your first time here? You may wish to read this post and my Statement Of Purpose.