Category Archives: Sex

It’s Not You; It’s Him

Not long after I started this blog about the phone sex business, the need for personal help became quite apparent. Not only help for individuals running an independent phone sex business via personalized consultations — but assistance for individual callers and clients as well.

While I keep most of the general “how to” articles, advice, and tips for callers at the phone sex Tumblr site, I do offer live, one-on-one help too. This includes making referrals, helping clients find just the right providers for their needs and desires. I most often do so by using a hunger analogy.

Typically, I charge for this via phone calls and messages at NiteFlirt. Not only because my time is valuable, but because many times the conversation and confessed details are about explicit fantasies and I want to be sure I am talking with a legal adult. But every now & then, I feel magnanimous and will help a gent on Twitter. Usually, this is via the promo account. But sometimes, say when I am directing a caller from the help-a-PSO-pro Twitter to the find-a-PSO-pro Twitter, I will enter into a caller referral consultation. This happened just at the end of last week. And the reason I bring it up here, is to help you understand a few things about callers and clients.

Now, I want to make it clear that I am not making fun of this man. As I often say, the poor dears struggle so — especially when they are aroused and the blood flows away from the brain in the big head to swell that little head! This is not intended to mock this individual or others like him, but to serve illustrative purposes about helping client’s find and articulate their deep hungers.

Our conversation was about helping him find a findom to suit his tastes & desires…

Keeping with my hunger analogy, and using pork as a cheeky way to reference findom piggy play, let’s say we’ve now established that this gent would like a ham sandwich. But I know that’s not enough to satisfy his specific hunger…

At this point, believing that I’ve pulled what information I can from him, I provide him with a potential provider match.

But clearly, he’s been holding something back — something so specific, that without knowing it, the hunger just won’t be satisfied. In fact, the meal is ruined.

At first, he makes it sound simple; like he’s just looking for a ham sandwich with cheese. Perhaps some chips… Oh, and something to drink. But it turns out, what he really wants is a pulled-pork sandwich on a King’s Hawaiian bakery roll, with sea salt kettle chips, and a craft beer.

Oh, and he wants homemade coleslaw too — but not on top of the sandwich. He wants it on the side — and it should never ever even touch any of the other food. Only he tells me that after I have brought him his meal, a meal that is now ruined so he won’t eat it.

The trouble is not that what he wants is impossible; it’s that it can’t be served if he doesn’t order it correctly.

If someone with decades of experience can have this much difficulty leading a thirsty horse to water, well, let’s just agree that it is that much more difficult for less experienced folk.

This is not something reserved for the findom fetish either. Often, getting a client or potential client to confess his fantasies can feel like pulling teeth. Most often, this is not because he is trying to be difficult but rather because he either has not properly identified what he wants or is unable to articulate his wants. When this happens, all you can do is try.

Ask questions. As what he likes as well as what he doesn’t like. Offer comparisons, options, present ‘either or’ scenarios… Try to get him to pry into his own head and find out what he and his dick really want.

But sometimes it just won’t work. If you’ve tried your darndest, and he’s still not confessing, it’s him — not you. Know that you are not to blame.

But also know that it will affect your sessions together.

Clearly, if the client cannot provide you the necessary information prior to your fantasy time together, it makes it much more difficult to deliver that fantasy. Recognize that your ability to serve, to provide great service, is in part based upon the information shared by the client.

Know that the customer can only be right when he has clearly communicated what’s important to him. When he doesn’t, things are likely to go poorly. And if you’ve honestly tried like hell to get him to confess, well, babe, the problem’s not you, it’s him.

You can have the best ham and cheese sandwiches in town, offer all the condiments and side dishes, have hundreds of beverages. But you won’t be able to please everyone, especially when what they really want is a pulled-pork sandwich which is not on the menu. And you can’t even satisfy them by directing them to the smokehouse down the road when they don’t tell you what they really want from the start. At least not before you whip up your house specialty, serve it with a smile, and the customer leaves without enjoying it or even paying.

But wait, there’s more!

On top of all that, the gentlemen disappeared. [That’s what those pink colored messages mean; he bailed on his Twitter account.] Multiple times, in fact. In the course of our conversation, he left at least twice over two days. [Who knows how many times since then; I’ve been too busy to continually check.]

Unfortunately, this is an all-too-common situation with adult industry clients.

Even when the client orders properly, even when you offer the best pulled-pork sandwich on a King’s Hawaiian bakery roll, with sea salt kettle chips, fresh homemade coleslaw — served on the side, and a cheeky little craft beer, the client may run away and hide.

Maybe it’s because he’s Jewish & shouldn’t have any pork. Maybe his budget only allows him to order fast food junk off a dollar menu. Maybe he’s an alcoholic who ought not have a beer. Maybe his doctor has him on a salt-free diet. Maybe he was afraid someone he knew would spot him dining at your establishment and tattle on him. Maybe his excitement over the meal-to-be had him peeing his pants. Who knows?!

Whatever his situation, fear and shame can make him jump up and leave. Yes, before the meal arrives. Yes, right in the middle of a meal. Yes, even after he confesses that this was the best meal he’s ever had. Frankly, they can, and will, do this whenever they wish or are motivated to flee.

To be honest, flight is not the only potential response to fear and shame. You might also run into clients and potential clients who show anger (fight response). And there are also those who seem rendered unable to make a decision (freeze response). There’s more information on such potential fear and shame responses here.

What’s important to note here is that there may be little you can do, at least in the moment, to address a client’s flight response. If/when you build a rapport with this client, you may, over time, build trust and alleviate such responses. Note: Only invest time in this push & pull when the client is respecting you enough to pay you for your time.

Again, this is not only for those with a findom kink. Callers, clients, and those who have the potential to become paying consumers of your adult services, of all stripes can do this. (Though I will say submissives, in general, tend to have more flight and freeze responses.)

The point is, again, that you do not control these behaviors. You should understand these behaviors, of course. But ultimately, it’s not you — it’s him.

Ignore Lines, Financial Domination & Other Femdom Phone Sex Games

For those of you interested in understanding financial domination, ignore lines, and other erotic humiliations in phone sex, there’s a great article at Sex Kitten: Ignore Me, I’ll Pay You; Blackmail Me, I’ll Pay You Again. I would have linked to this article, even if I hadn’t been included in it. Really!

“Are there certain fetishes that pay better?”

The best thing in this interview with a phone sex operator is this quote:

Rule of thumb: fetishes pay better than vanilla. Vanilla (and female submission) don’t take a lot of brain power, presence or originality to pull off, but fetish and domination are best executed by someone who puts the effort into reading her customer and keeping it creative. Effort = money.

And, because it’s good to hear the advice and thoughts of others, you might want to check out 10 Things To Consider Before Taking A Job As A Phone Sex Operator — especially since this is about being a PSO working at/for a company, rather than being an independent PSO.

News & Links Phone Sex Operators Can Use

Last week at Sex Kitten, Gracie interviewed Tom Cat about the new phone sex review website. It’s a great look not only at the man behind the site, but about phone sex mega users.

While you’re there, you may want to check out another one of Gracie’s articles, Of Feminism & Inequality In Porn & Sex Work. Yes, phone sex operators are sex workers. Beyond that, there may be some clear answers for those who wonder why there are so few opportunities for male PSOs to work with female callers.

Today’s Phone Sex Tip: The Sounds Of Orgasm

I’m mainly giving this tip in response to a PSO client who was having long calls, but was receiving poor feedback, few repeat callers, and even less regular clients. Through a lengthy conversation, it was discovered that her natural reaction to intense arousal and orgasm is near silence. When she begins becoming aroused, she makes some moans and the like; but as things progress, the more intense her feelings, the more she retreats into her own silent little world. For callers who are into the sounds of a woman’s pleasure, this was a huge disappointment which left them thinking that she just lost interest, had checked out of the call, or had fallen asleep.

This silent response to arousal and orgasm is a natural occurrence in both women and men. Consider it rather like still waters running deep. But in the world of phone sex, where the pleasures at least begin with the auditory sounds, this can a problem for a PSO.

If you’re the sort of woman whose silence increases with her arousal, or otherwise turns inward with such physical pleasures, you have two ways to approach this potential phone sex problem.

The first option is to communicate your natural response to your callers early on. Phone sex is about communication after all. Your confession doesn’t need to be a “disclaimer” or “warning” that turns folks off. In fact, drawing the caller in, having him listening so closely to you, can be a great way to increase the intensity of intimate calls.

The second option is to increase your vocal response to arousal, at least when performing as a phone sex operator. For some, this just means practicing while masturbating; i.e. learning to listen to yourself and freeing your voice to make a few groans, howls, and yowls so as to communicate vocally the increase in pleasure. For others, it may just mean faking it.

There are many times when I recommend that PSOs ought to fake their own physical pleasure. In terms of offering a service, the phone sex operator is supposed to focus on the caller’s pleasure — and it’s pretty difficult to focus on anything but your own pleasure when you are at or near orgasm. Even when a caller wants to hear your pleasure, you have to be focusing on him, his noises, his breathing, pacing the story or conversation in order to give him what he wants — and more importantly what he needs. How can you effectively lead a good call for him when you are focused on you?

This brings up the converse of this “too silent orgasm” situation: the “too loud” or “not real” complaints.

If you’re in this business long enough, eventually you will have a caller accuse you of faking it — whether you are or not. In fact, I’ve been accused of such things when I, a real screamer, have been coming my hardest. Just remember, it’s not you; it’s them. Not everyone has watched Chloe or other orgasmic screamers in porn or been with a loud sex partner. And even when guys have been with an orgasmic screamer, it doesn’t mean they moved her to such vocalizations. I don’t recommend, unless you are a humiliating femdom, telling your accusatory caller that his experiences are limited or his sexual skills weak; but don’t let him convince you that you are weird or anything either.

You can remain confident about your own vocalizations, primitive utterances, silences, etc. while at the same time noting his beliefs (or, as I call them, his preferences) for possibly enhancing the current and any future calls.

But what is perhaps most fundamentally important of all is the consistency of your sex sounds.

While female orgasms may be like snowflakes, no two alike, you as a professional phone sex operator ought to include in your notes the type of orgasm you exhibited in the calls with your clients so that, should you be granted the chance, you will be up for a repeat performance. Because it’s what your caller is expecting in terms of your vocalized orgasmic bliss that matters in professional phone sex. Even if he complained or questioned your orgasm before. Maybe even more so then; otherwise he will think he has “caught” you faking it.

A clever PSO learns how to provide just enough consistency along with customization and creativity to increase a repeat caller’s pleasure while keeping calls from becoming boring — whether it is the vocalization of her orgasm or the story she tells.

What Is A "Raise The Rate" Phone Sex Call Game?

Callie writes in:

Hi, I’m new to phone sex work and so I’ve been reading your blog (which is great, BTW!). I’m trying to figure out my niche by reading though phone sex listings and I keep running into the phrase “raise the rate game.” What does that mean exactly? And how does it work?

Raise The Rate games or phone sex services are a form of financial domination performed by femdoms. As the name suggests, and is briefly described here, the rate a caller pays is raised over time.

Typically, the rate is raised during the call as follows:

1. The PSO informs the caller that if he wants to continue to talk with her he will need to call back and pay a higher rate,

2. The PSO then hangs up, raises her rate, and awaits his call.

However, there are times in which the rate is increased over time too. In these cases, the client arranges or schedules a call, knowing that the rate will be higher than it’s (likely) shown in her listing(s) — and he also knows that at the end of that call the rate will likely be increased again for the next call.

In both cases, the PSO takes a risk that she loses the bird in her hand, so she must possess (along with finely honed femdom skills and a strong ability to read her callers) an excellent sense of timing and the ability to calculate just by how much — and how often — she should raise the rate.

What Is A Femdom?

I’ve been putting off this post for quite some time because, like most things sexual, BDSM, power play, etc. is an extremely complicated subject. Tomes have been written about the subject (I prefer, and highly recommend, those by Dr. Gloria Brame), so condensing such things in an introductory way that both makes sense and is usable is difficult indeed. But it’s getting harder and harder to continue discussing how to be an independent phone sex operator without it. So here we go…

What Is A Femdom?

A Femdom, Femdomme, Female Dominant, Domina, Dominatrix, Mistress, or Goddess (among others) are the names given to powerful females in BDSM relationships, communities, and erotic activities. These names are often capitalized to show respect; while all references to the submissives, subs, and slaves are not.

(Some in the BDSM community are hell-bent on committed to the use of such capitalization, but I am more committed to the rules of grammar and do not generally “remember” to use them in my writing. Maybe I’m more afraid of former English teachers and nuns with rulers than I am any BDSM police. *wink* Whatever. I won’t continue to use the improper yet traditional capitalization techniques of power play here.)

While all BDSM play is consensual, the female dominant is supposed to determine, direct, and control the encounter; hence another term for this sort of power play is “female led relationships.” However, as a PSO is a paid professional, there is some debate within the BDSM community whether PSOs (along with dungeon dominatrixes, and other sex workers) can actually be leading the relationship, scenes, or play because an element of “the customer is always right” leaves some to believe that the client or caller is the one who is really in control — an economic version of topping from the bottom. (If they believe in that sort of thing. …As you might imagine, there are lots of control-freak issues within the BDSM community. Like the capitalization issue, I eschew such gimmicky, formulaic considerations and prefer to deal with the psychological-lust-fare that really makes things work.)

What Activities Or Scenes Does A Femdom Lead?

For most people, BDSM brings to mind sadism, physical pain, corporal punishment, and physical discipline — spanking, whipping, and caning; figging; hot wax play; cock and ball torture (CBT); etc.

But it’s not all whips and chains here. There is a wide range of BDSM play or practices.

Activities include, but are not limited to:

* body worship
* face-sitting, smothering, and/or breath control
* verbal humiliation (mocking small dicks, race, religion, etc.)
* physical humiliation (boot licking, spitting, golden showers, enemas, etc.)
* tease and denial
* cuckolding
* orgasm denial, orgasm control, ruined orgasm, forced chastity
* strap-on dildo penetration (pegging) and prostate milking
* forced feminization (cross-dressing, domestic service as a sissy maid, and/or use by men)
* cum-eating and/or feltching
* age-play
* CFNM (clothed female, nude male)
* trampling
* financial domination & blackmail
* hypnosis and mind control
* forced intoxication
* objectification and dehumanization (human furniture; human ashtray; doll or robot; puppy play, piggy play, etc., in which the sub lives the life of an animal serving the whims of his Mistress)

This list is by no means exhaustive; but it’s nearly exhausting to create! *wink*

How Does A Femdom Lead?

Just as there are many ways for a malesub to serve or be used, there are different styles of dominating for a femdom to choose from. Here are just a few female archetypes that indicate dominating styles:

* teasing brat
* sensual dominant woman
* princess to spoil
* commanding queen
* humiliating mocking woman, aka humiliatrix
* authoritative alpha female (boss, police or military officer, teacher, etc.)
* loving female authority figure (mom, step-mom, aunt, etc.)
* classic leather-wearing, ball-busting, dungeon dominatrix
* supernatural or otherworldly goddess
* paranormal witch or succubus
* sci-fi or counter-culture female supremacist


What Does This All Mean For A Phone Sex Femdom?

That is the million dollar question, isn’t it.

There are endless combinations of styles, activities and even means of dominating a man as a phone sex operator.

Before you can determine, direct, and control the encounter with the caller, you must determine, direct, and control the type of phone sex femdom you want to be. And, in many cases, where you want to offer your services as some of these fantasies are against phone sex platform terms of service (TOS).

More on this to come, as I’m sure many of you have your thinking caps to put on. *wink*

How To Avoid Awkward Phone Sex

Phone sex can be as much fun as being there in-person — or as awkward. If you don’t want fumbling, elbows everywhere, ow-you’re-on-my-hair, awkward kind of phone sex, keep reading.

While most of this blog is devoted to helping PSOs be successful, and therefore offers tips and techniques on how to satisfy phone sex caller requests, the truth is that successful phone sex is equally dependent upon the caller himself. The most satisfying phone sex calls are, like in-the-flesh sex, a matter of give and take.

There are four key components callers must note:

#1 Be comfortable, open, ready to dive in — but don’t dive in right away. Give yourselves some time to get comfortable, physically and emotionally. Spend a few minutes in casual chit chat. Do what you’d normally do when you first get on the phone or meet a person. Consider this the dinner part of the date and relax knowing the date is a sure thing.

#2 Don’t rush. Your phone sex date is a sure thing, so there’s no reason to rush right into it. I don’t say this as a PSO who just wants your money. The truth is, the best phone sex allows you to luxuriate in the companionship of the call. Assuming your phone sex call is not some masturbatory session for medicinal purposes, calls should not be whipped-off like some band-aid. Consider your time with a PSO a warm cozy soapy bath, not an efficient morning shower, and prepare to enjoy every moment. It honestly will bring about a more satisfactory call — and orgasm.

Should you have some reason for a short call (and anything under 30 minutes really is a short call), let your phone sex operator know that upfront so she can do her best to pace the call to meet your needs.


#3 Since the caller is the one who initiates the call, it is up to him to decide where this date goes. He does this by confessing what he really wants, either in messages before the call or in the call itself. The more specific your fantasy, the more specific the information you share. Your PSO is your phone sex partner and while those really great ones may seem like mind readers, they really aren’t; she can’t fulfill your fantasy unless you share it. So, guys, know what you want and let the phone sex operator know it!

#4 Be vocal. Phone sex is all about the aural thrills — which means talking, moaning, grunting, and other vocal utterances. So, callers, you need to give your PSO some feedback. Tell her when she’s hot; tell her when she’s cold. And tell her before the call is over so she can drive you wild with desire, not away from the phone.

PSOs, I’ve created a little whitepaper with questions and prompts to get callers comfortably chatting and confessing.